Published August 7, 2011
Chapter 1
Things have been a little hectic in my home since the middle of May. There has not been time for writing or even knowing if I would write about my situation. But I’ve decided that I need to do this …for me…and for anyone else out there in a similar situation.
Before I start you should remember that I love to laugh! So don’t ever be offended by my words or think that I have an uncaring heart…I choose to see the humor! I learned this from my parents…who both loved to laugh and found humor in many situations throughout their lives.
It has been obvious for quite some time that my parents needed help. They were both getting older and just not able to care for themselves. However, with these two…giving help and receiving help were two very different things. They are both givers…not receivers. My Daddy was very likeable with many friends. He loved his family and was such a special daddy. He was very kindhearted and would help and do anything for someone else…but nonetheless a hard-headed and stubborn “Dudley”.
My mother an only child…used to having things her own way and doing what she wanted. Now don’t get me wrong…she is a wonderful and special person. She would go without to help others…she is an exceptional parent…she is a sweetheart! She has a sharp sense of humor and she is the one who taught me to laugh. We have had many fun times together throughout the years.
But times have changed and now it is my time to take care of her…and she doesn’t like it one bit! This little woman is determined…and not going down without a fight. She is headstrong and I know that God is paying me back for some past indiscretion…with 88 pounds of hard-headedness!
Over the past two to three years there have been signs that all was not well…and in my ignorance I missed them or maybe it was my subconscious denial and I just didn’t choose to acknowledge their existence. However, Mother and Daddy needed help long before my brothers and I stepped in to make decisions in their behalf. During these past few months I have to remind myself that at least we allowed them to live life the way they chose and we gave them that independence they were determined not to give up.
Although I didn’t see them often…I called them almost every night. Mother and I would spend hours on the phone. Daddy would occasionally talk to me sometimes for a few minutes but would then turn the phone over to Mother.
We have celebrated holidays at my house for years…usually with family and a few friends. It was easier for Mother and Daddy to drive up here to visit and they always were ready to come see us. My three kids and grandkids all live within 50 miles of me and my brother and his family live in the DFW area close by their three kids and grandchild. Over the years there have been many times Mother and Daddy have come to visit for some special occasion. My other brother and sister-in-law live in the Waco area and Mother and Daddy would go there to visit them at times.
In the past two years Daddy had become quite feeble and he would fall at home and had problems walking. He was a big man…over six feet tall. Mother is tiny…5′ 2″ and she weighs a scant 88 pounds. They had many episodes of him falling at home and not being able to get up. Mother would not call 911 and she would try to help him. One day when he fell in the front yard and as she was trying to help him up she fell on top of him. Oh…to be their neighbors or driving by their house…I shudder to think what others might have seen…much less what they were thinking if they did see! Two old people rolling around in the yard…were they fighting or God only knows what?
The end of the second week in May my brother, Quentin, and I… with the blessings of my other brother, Ric… made the trip to Brownwood where my parents lived and took Daddy to the nursing home in Comanche where my mom wanted him to go…she thought that he might know some of his old friends there and would be more comfortable in familiar surroundings. Mother had wanted to live in Comanche for years…they still drove to Comanche from Brownwood to go to church and Mother played Bridge a couple of times a month with her longtime Bridge Club friends. I convinced her to stay with me for awhile and told her truthfully that I would work on finding her a place to live in Comanche so she could be close to Daddy.
This saga will continue…as I tell you about convincing Mother to let us come and help and all the events leading up to the intervention…stay tuned…
Leah
Ah Leah!!! I so sympathize with your plight! I was here in town, but my parents were very adamant about not losing their independence. I stepped back and let them do what they wanted to. I would have people in a oh so polite way get on to me because they would see them out there doing their own thing and my answer to them was…they want to do this and something happens to them while doing it, I know they went happy.
Daddy was 90 when he passed away July 31 2009 and about 6 months prior mama had a pace-maker put in. When daddy fell and broke his hip in February 09…mama pulled him from the laundry room into the living room, didn’t call my brother, but called me, From that point on his health really began to fail!
Mama does not and will not leave that big ole house they have and will not let anyone mow for her!!! I totally understand what you are going through…it is not an easy time and I will keep you all in my prayers to make the right decisions!!! Vicki
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Oh Leah, we touched on all of this in our Facebook visit recently and it does my heart good to see you address the issue of aging parents on your blog. A lot of my school and 4-H friends never realized my parents were old enough to be my grandparents; Daddy was 54 when I was born in 1947 and Mother was 44! They’d hoped for, dreamed of and prayed for a child for their sixteen year of marriage and when I arrived I was, in their eyes at least, a miracle. Of course, their ages made my life much different from that of my contemporaries. I was brought up with oceans of love and affection, but frankly by the time I reached my teens they had about as much idea what to do with me as a mouse does a motorcycle!! Fortunately for all of us I was inclined to be an obedient child and never gave them a lot of trouble. None of us knew it during my growing up years, but I was their investment in their own future.
By the time my children were in their teen, however, Mother was almost blind and Daddy’s health was fragile simply from the wear and tear of a long life. They finally concented to go to Western Hills after Daddy spent a month in the hospital with pneumonia. Luckily, Daddy had their house on the tax roles as a homestead so it was untouchable and after we spent down their savings Medicare and Social Security took over their expenses What none of us realizes, until we’re faced with these changes, is expense takes many forms. It’s not just financial. It’s emotional, too and as your’re finding out that’s the hardest expense to bear!!
I can tell your sense of humor, which I remember so well in your parents, having never seen either of them without a smile, will get you through. Your a subscriber to my personal philosophy of life, “Laugh; it keeps you from crying!”
Sharon
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Oh Leah dear, it is one of the things that all children have in common and also one of those things we all hear about randomly, but it never hits home until it “hits home”. My sister Martha and I had to go thru the same thing. When Dad died we just thought Mother was OK, still able to handle her own business because she told us so many times and was quite definite about it. I won’t go into all the sad, little details that finally made us come to a joint decision with her Doctor but it was time for us all to step in and make some decisions about her health and welfare. When we were preparing to sell their home and were in the midst of cleaning, painting, etc. the true facts of how bad off she was, how ill and unable to make decisions and why that was so, jumped up and slapped us in the face! When we found hidden medication in her shoes in the closet, when we found canned tomatos in the frig that had spoiled and actually blew the lid off the can, when we saw she had started hoarding crazy things like TV dinner plates by the 100′s., we knew then we should have stepped in sooner.
No one tells you WHEN is the right time or HOW to do it or even WHAT to do. It’s just one of those things we all have in common, much to my great sorrow. Please write to me if you want. I’m a gazillion miles away but I’ve walked in your shoes, as so many others have too, so if you want to vent or ask anything, I am here.
Your 3ed cousin or is it cousin 3 times removed? Still, I am here.
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Jackie (Church) Spraggins recently movedher mom into the assisted living facility my mom is in at Stephenville. We’ve been “cussin’ and discussin’” the joys of parenting your parent! Oh how funny and how frustrating all at the same time!
Can’t wait for the rest of the story!
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Hi, Leah. I love the pictures of your parents. Thanks for posting them, along with your reminiscences.
2nd cousin, Mary F.
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Leah,
So good to see the pictures of your mom and dad. I know exactly where you are coming from. When mom started falling, was after I had recruited her into Mary Kay, she knew how to use the concealer and makeup to hide the bruises. It was not a matter that she was not scared, it was a matter that she did not want to give up her independence and did not want to be a burden to any of us kids. When she came to live with me the last 3 years of her life, that was such a gift to me. I was single at the time and it was an honor to have her with me and have access to her knowledge and wisdom. Not every child in every family gets that honor. I would not trade those years for the world. I think your mom really needs to know how loved and important she is to you, and she needs to feel needed. I know she hates being away from your dad, yet in this stage of their lives sometimes that cannot be helped. I am praying for you and your family that Gods guidance will make this transition as easy as possible.
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Leah, I just saw your posting and wanted to write to you. I don’t get on FaceBook often enough and I miss things. You have had many people tell you already that this is something that we all have to go through but each family situation is unique. It is so hard to see our strong, able defenders getting old and feeble. Polly, Sue and I went through long drawn out times but we would not have changed them because that meant we got to keep them longer. Mother and I were always real close but the last 4 yrs of Daddy’s life is when we got the closest. I wouldn’t give anything for those last 4 years!!!!
Then there is grief. It hurts like hell and takes time to “heal”. I’m convinced you never heal from grief, you just get better and learn to handle it better. It was so hard to see Daddy try to deal with loosing Mother. He was so sick and so unhappy. Then I had to learn first hand when my husband of 31 yrs. died at 50. It was such a shock and so hard to deal with, but I had to apply it to all the people I had known who had lost their spouse and had a hard time moving on. You are just going to have to help your sweet mother and “make” her enjoy it!
I just wanted to tell you that all of us understand. We can’t walk in your shoes but we have or will have to walk our own lonesone, sad road. We are here for you and you will find that people who have already been there have so much wisdom to share and so much genuine love to give. You are the product of special people and God is watching over you and blessing you because of their faithfulness to Him and your love and devotion to Him. God bless you. I will lovingly be here for you if you need me in any way.
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Thank you all for your comments…it is such fun to hear from you and all the things you have experienced with your own parents!
My little mom is experiencing moderate dementia…it is so hard to see her in this state…but amazing to see how your mind works when you reach this point. It comes and goes and is so scattered at times.
I am not sad about Daddy, he is in a much better place and I have so much gratitude that he didn’t have a long lingering death spent in the nursing home.
Although Mother is having a difficult time…she is in the best place for her too…she is very comfortable in our home with lots of privacy if she wants it, close to all her grandkids and great-grandkids, she eats really good food, and gets plenty of time for rest and relaxation around her family. We let her do all that she can do for herself which isn’t much…but are aware that she is happiest while trying. We take her to town and shopping and we visit family and friends. My kids and grandkids come to visit often and we go to see them.
She misses Daddy when she thinks of him and misses living near her friends in Comanche without the reality that if she were there things wouldn’t be much different. She has no concept of the fact that she could not live alone.
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